After getting so excited about seeing Shell today I went down & spoke to her for about 45 minutes then got overexcited & tried it on with her all the while thinking she wanted me to play out that forcing fantasy she loves doing by text.
How wrong could I be? I forgot all about that customer who forced himself on her a month or two ago & Shell’s memory of that. I’m just no good for her because I never think about Shell’s feelings.
She said no but I just blindly tried to kiss her thinking it was what she really wanted but it wasn’t. I’m so glad I stopped when I realised she meant no otherwise I could have easily pushed her over the edge.
I feel awful. She was literally shaking with fear & nothing I said or did could help. All I could say was sorry & leave. I didn’t molest her or anything like that God forbid but I think she thought I was going to force her. My God the realisation of this when I got back to work hit me like a sledgehammer & I spent the rest of the day apologising to her.
I must have been the Devil to her. I told her I’d never come near her again because I don’t think of her feelings & don’t deserve her friendship & she does not deserve that treatment especially from a close friend like me.
She convinced me however that she does want to see me again despite everything & that it was just the memory of that ordeal with a customer that made her feel so cold & edgy to my advances. If we do meet again it will be on her terms & at her pace. But it’s in her court now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ever sees me again (that’s no more than what I deserve).
And nothing will stop the remorse I feel for putting her through that. I hate myself. I love her. She said she loves me. But she can’t trust me can she after all this?
This rollercoaster relationship is no good for the soul. Why do we put ourselves through this?