Rationalising – I do this at work every day but today (Friday) I have a day off (& a long weekend – Bank Holiday Monday – yeah !!).
I’ve left it a while before blogging because I wanted a positive spin in this one (& looking back at my past blogs most of them focussed on the negative).
So here goes – rationale of my relationship with Shell:-
Me – 50/greying/overweight/unattractive/married/2 grown up kids/2 sexual partners in all my life & no sex since Feb 2009.
Her – 37/dark flowing hair/slim/attractive/single/2 young kids/unknown
Summary – old/fat/ugly/attached v young/slim/beautiful/unattached so where did the attraction to me come from?
Sex – definitely (fantastic it was too) she knew what she wanted, got astride me & gave me her heart body & soul for a while. I’ve never known anyone so truly in touch with her sexuality & she drenched me in the process – an experience I will never ever forget.
Love – she has such a big bold heart not just for me but everyone, especially her children – a wonderful Mother.
Personality – no I’m not just saying that she is larger than life & has a positive effect on everyone she knows or meets.
Unselfishness – she ALWAYS thinks of others before herself. Maybe that’s a negative in some opinions but I think it’s a a big positive. She’s been through a lot of bad luck lately but she still has time for others.
Beauty – inside & out – you’ll only understand if you get to know her.
Smile – always smiling
Eyes – Oh her eyes. They are her most beautiful feature. Big deep blue pools of love. I’ve told her this many times.
Negatives – none except for Guilt – her total reluctance to get involved with a married man (understandably).
So as I’ve said before maybe Shell had also reached a point where she was desperate to be loved & touched & wanted & I was in just the right place at the right time – she has told me many times before that she has needs & wants & I guess I satisfied her needs for a while until the guilt of seeing a married man kicked in – which is totally against her beliefs too.
So where do we go now? According to her nothing happened & we were never going to become an item – too many obstacles to overcome (marriage/children/family reactions/workmates etc) – and she never wanted to come between me & Sue. She said she regrets being the cause of me breaking my marriage vows.
I have always thought women wanted more than just sex – but Shell has made me question that – did Shell just want sex ? Maybe I was investing too much love into the situation – I fell for her hard & I told her that & maybe I shouldn’t have worn my heart so clearly on my sleeve.
Dare I now suggest sex without strings ? If that’s the only way to see her I’ll take it. Or would that make things even worse ?
What am I saying?
Shell has already finished with me. Things can’t get any worse so I guess I have nothing to lose…