Maybe now I’ll be going to Hell….
Shortly after that last post she contacted me again n things intensified. She had messed me around so many times I was just outta my mind so I camped outside her house n gave her an ultimatum – if she didn’t let me in I’d know it was all over n I wouldn’t try to see her again….
Unbelievable. She opened the door to the best few hours I’ve spent with anyone. I mean anyone. Fantastic? Yes. Talented? Definitely. And not afraid to show or voice her passion for me – I’ve never experienced that in a woman before.
Lust? Maybe at first
But seeing her again & getting to know her thoughts changed things totally. I thought I loved her but that doesn’t begin to describe what I feel for her now. All in the space of a month.
I’ve known her years but just recently I got to know her inner beauty too. Sounds corny I know but she opened her heart to me I fell headlong into it.
“I want to be more like you” I told her n she said thats what was said in a Jack Nicholson film “As Good As It Gets”. She has so many good qualities I couldnt help but fall for her hard?
Lust became love n deep respect for her.
The month of April has been a roller coaster ride with emotions. And so much heartache when she said she’d made a mistake.There are very good reasons for her decision. She’d always made this very clear to me in the past but I forced her to cave into me that night I made her decide on me or no more me. I feel so awful doing that she seemed so weak at the time but it turns out she has the heart of a lion too in making the decision to end it.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this. A grown man weeping? Yes I’m a weak emotional wreck. I’m not proud of what I did. Like I said there are many reasons that we should never have happened.
I’m glad it did happen though. She’s shown me a completely different world to the one I’m living n I want that world.
Want it with her ? Hell yes but it’s never gonna happen for the same reasons. And my heart is bleeding badly from this. But there is a positive side.
It’s made me think hard about what I want from the rest of my life despite my age. I used to think I was too old fat n ugly for another girl to cast me a second glance.
But this girl is truly beautiful outside n inside. The type of girl u would think u had no chance in hell of dating. Yet despite being able to see anyone she wants she chose to open her heart to me. She’s stunningly attractive so what did she see in me? I’m still wondering.
But I know if a beauty like her can see inside me n accept me for who I am then other girls will too. I have some harsh decisions to make…